Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Looking for Home

Is it possible to feel lost even though you know where you are?

Is it possible to forget where home is, even though you know where you live?

It might be losing your place, or it might be losing your connection to a place.

I was trying to work on a canvas, and I had an idea:  the house that memory built.  It was going to be a mixed media piece, so I began laying out different papers and words to help the process.

I completed covering the canvas with papers, and then. . .
And then. . .
And then. . .

I drew a blank.  I didn't know what to do next.  I had been drawing on ideas from my memory, patterns that reminded me of my grandma's house, the wallpaper in her living room, or dining room.  I had pieces of map from the state I grew up in, I had a solid start.  But I didn't know what house to add to the painting.  Do I add my Grandma's farm and the house I grew up in? 

As I tried to determine what to do, I realized I have no connection to those places anymore.  I haven't been home for a couple of years.  Grandma has been gone even longer.  Different happenings in the family created a break in my connection.  I had to step away from the canvas for a time. 

I still talk with my parents.  That connection is fully intact.  There is no issue there.  But the physical location has lost its pull.  I am living in a different state, but this doesn't feel like home either. 

My creativity seems to be at a standstill.  I seem to be able to start ideas, paintings, writings, but I don't get very far before I run out of process, thoughts, ideas.  All I see before me is a wall. 

I have set that piece aside for a time.  I think that I still have some processing to do, but I should process while I work on it.  I think I need to push through that wall to see what is on the other side.  There is the house that lives in my memory, and the house that my memory built, but there needs to be a home that lives where I am today, a house that holds my memories.  That is the house I need to work on.

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