With Insufficient Gratitude

As we approach Good Friday, humility overwhelms when I think about the awful torture, pain, suffering and death that Jesus took upon Himself, willingly, that we, I might have the opportunity to share in a banquet with Him, the Father and Holy Spirit. 

We know that this doesn't end on Friday. 

Sunday waits just beyond, with the promise and hope of a future - an eternal future - so bright and full of joy, we cannot imagine!  So it is with insufficient gratitude that I offer a quiet prayer of thanksgiving, knowing that He hears me, and knows me, and still loves me in spite of who I am, or what I have done or will do...

Introduction to My Story - Until I Can Come Up With a Better Title

 

About five years ago I wrote out my story out and shared it with the ladies' church group, and have also shared it more recently, in the adult Sunday School class.  On both occasions, people commented on my writing, some saying I should write a book - to which I said  (in my head) yeah, right. . . and then. . . hmm, should I?

While I really don't know about writing a book, the idea appeals to me.  I really don't know if I have enough content to write an entire book, but I thought I would begin to write out some thoughts on different topics that relate to me and my life thus far.  Thoughts on growing up, my faith, parenting, and creativity, just for starters.

I can't say for sure how often I will add to these thoughts, but my goal is to share once a week, even if it is just a few quick sentences.  So next week we will begin. . .

Looking for Home

 

Is it possible to feel lost even though you know where you are?

Is it possible to forget where home is, even though you know where you live?

It might be losing your place, or it might be losing your connection to a place.

I was trying to work on a canvas, and I had an idea:  the house that memory built.  It was going to be a mixed media piece, so I began laying out different papers and words to help the process.

I completed covering the canvas with papers, and then. . .
And then. . .
And then. . .

I drew a blank.  I didn't know what to do next.  I had been drawing on ideas from my memory, patterns that reminded me of my grandma's house, the wallpaper in her living room, or dining room.  I had pieces of map from the state I grew up in, I had a solid start.  But I didn't know what house to add to the painting.  Do I add my Grandma's farm and the house I grew up in? 

As I tried to determine what to do, I realized I have no connection to those places anymore.  I haven't been home for a couple of years.  Grandma has been gone even longer.  Different happenings in the family created a break in my connection.  I had to step away from the canvas for a time. 

I still talk with my parents.  That connection is fully intact.  There is no issue there.  But the physical location has lost its pull.  I am living in a different state, but this doesn't feel like home either. 

My creativity seems to be at a standstill.  I seem to be able to start ideas, paintings, writings, but I don't get very far before I run out of process, thoughts, ideas.  All I see before me is a wall. 

I have set that piece aside for a time.  I think that I still have some processing to do, but I should process while I work on it.  I think I need to push through that wall to see what is on the other side.  There is the house that lives in my memory, and the house that my memory built, but there needs to be a home that lives where I am today, a house that holds my memories.  That is the house I need to work on.

I Believe. . .

What do I believe?


This is a battle that takes place every day.  It is a reminder of my need for something to hold on to for security.  For life.

I believe...

Is it a battle cry?
Is it a fact?
Is it a fear?
Is it a wish?
Is it a command?

Is it less than any of these?
Is it more?
Is it all of these?


Today fatigue wears me thin.  Today I need to know.  To believe.  I am unable to trust my emotions today, or any day, for that matter.  I need to trust what I cannot see.  Tomorrow might be better, it might be worse.  What will I trust?  Who will I trust? 


There are days when the battle intensifies, when I know what I am supposed to say, to do, to believe.  But I don't always feel that peace.  Sometimes the battle is learning to trust that what I know to be true is more real than what I feel or think in that moment.

Psalm 119:114
You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.

1 Peter 2:6

For in Scripture it says: “See, I lay a stone in Zion, a chosen and precious cornerstone, and the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame.”


 

What Lies Ahead

The truth is, I don't know what lies ahead.

I know Who we are called to follow. 
I know He knows all that goes on.
I know that fear is a big player.

But God is bigger than fear.

I once heard it said:  If we keep our eyes on God, all of the obstacles will seem so much smaller...It doesn't mean they disappear.  It keeps our focus where it should be. 

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
    From where does my help come?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot be moved;
    he who keeps you will not slumber.
⁴ Behold, he who keeps Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord is your keeper;
    the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
⁶ The sun shall not strike you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all evil;
    he will keep your life.
⁸ The Lord will keep
    your going out and your coming in
    from this time forth and forevermore.

The Price of Leadership

When any of us decide to step into a position of leadership, we are handed some precious responsibilities.

Upon accepting the leadership role, we also accept the glow of the spotlight. Not the light of fame or fortune necessarily, but the place in view of those who might follow, look up to us, and/or model themselves after us. 

We are given a trust.  We must not take that lightly.  If we step into a leadership role, whether by appointment or by our own choice, act wisely.  Some who look to us find connections that extend beyond a follower or a like.  Some come to know us as friends.  As fellow travelers through this sometimes difficult and bumpy ride.  Words should be chosen and weighed carefully before being spoken. 

Are you a leader?  What would you say to those who step into that position?

And now what?

Yesterday things were found out that really shake up a community.  Perhaps some parts of the community more than others.  As I am sure is the case with any neighborhood or small town, we think these things happen other places, but not here, not in our backyard!

Is it a sign of our times; a time of moral decay, everyone for themselves? Or is it simply something that has been going on since just after time began, in different forms, different places, but all stemming from the same place. . . the human heart.  Is there anyone to blame?  Are we all to blame?

Does it matter? 

The question now:  where do we go from here?  How do we move forward, and care for the ones who need care, or the ones not involved directly, but still affected?

As parents or guardians, or caregivers we have a responsibility to those in our care.  We are the adults that need to confront, comfort, converse.  We are the ones who might not know all the answers and need to be honest about that fact.  But that doesn't mean we can't learn.  It shouldn't mean we can't listen.

My heart aches for those who felt the need to fit in, to be accepted, for whatever reason did what they did.  Consequences will play out from here.  I hope.  Not in a harsh or vindictive way, but if we don't receive and accept discipline we won't learn to change.  How many parents who have trudged through the trenches of toddler-hood don't know this?  How many times (or time-outs) did we sit, second-guessing our discipline, our temper, our bruised heart for these that wouldn't take "no" for an answer for the 200th time?

Maybe we still need to say "no."  Maybe we need to be available more often. Maybe we try to do everything we can, and our best still leads to this place.  However we got to this point, we need to move forward.  We need to take the next step, we need to love, to be the place for our children to talk, work out stresses, problems, fears.

Parents, guardians, caregivers, love your children, care for them as best you can, talk with them, listen to them.  You were given these precious souls to nurture and I pray we all are able to walk through this thorny patch stronger, more humble and with more compassion. . .

^{1 Cor 13:4} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.