Where Do I Begin?

I don't remember many exact details of my childhood.

The memories are more sensory pictures with faded edges, dapples of sunlight on the dark, cool grass, and sounds of breezes rustling the leaves, crickets chirping, and stones popping off of automobile tires as they travel past the yard and on down the dirt road, the scent of dark Spring dirt or fresh mown hay from the field behind the house, and the taste of Summer sun warmed tomatoes and green peas right from the garden.
 
These pictures are a compilation of memories, of  Summers blended together in the colorful glass mixing bowl that Grandma kept in her cupboard.  They taste of dust and fresh mown hay, of bacon and tomato sandwiches, macaroni salad and niffles (yes they are a thing) and lettuce with a simple vinegar and sugar dressing.

They travel in a metal picinic basket with a plaid design, to a field where Grandpa is mowing, or plowing, or raking. They run down the dirt road to a wooded spot where the daffodils grow near a small brook.

They play in the tent made of blankets, hung over the clothes line in the back yard.  They sleep under the stars, waking to a dew soaked morning that smells fresh and damp at the same time. 

This is a part of where I begin.  

Purpose

It is a small word with big implications.

Purpose

What is it?
What is mine?

When I think of purpose, I think about meanings.  What is the meaning of my life here?  Where will I find meaning?  What does this meaning look like, feel like?  Will I know when I find it?

Then I think about the "bigger than me" picture.  My purpose shouldn't be about me and what I can accomplish in this life.  It should be about others and what I can do to help make a difference for them.  This life isn't about me.  I was put here for a reason, a purpose, yes, but the focus of that purpose should be so much more than my little bubble of existence.

So I continue on this journey. . .

Grace, Mercy and Influence

Grace - the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings - OxfordDictionaries

Mercy - compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm  - OxfordDictionaries

Influence - the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself - OxfordDictionaries

These are some of the words running through my brain this morning.   There are circumstances all around us - any of us - at any given time or day, that require us to consider each of these things.  What or who influences us, and what influence might we carry?  Where are people or places in time where I need to offer, or ask for mercy?  How do I accept the grace given to me, and extend that to others?

Consider these things for yourself. 

Where has grace been extended to you?  Here is a touching example...

Is there a situation where mercy is required of you?  A person that needs forgiveness?  Is there a place where you need to humbly request mercy from another?

Do you have an influence on those you come in contact with?  If so, how are you using that influence?  Do you recognize it as a sacred thing, or is it a tool to accomplish a goal?  Is your influence leading others in the right direction?  (Hint: it shouldn't lead to you...)  Are you following the right influences? (Hint:  Where are they leading you?)

These are all things I am pondering, reviewing and praying about.  There are so many places that aim to grab our attention... 

Pay attention.

Introduction to My Story - Until I Can Come Up With a Better Title

 

About five years ago I wrote out my story out and shared it with the ladies' church group, and have also shared it more recently, in the adult Sunday School class.  On both occasions, people commented on my writing, some saying I should write a book - to which I said  (in my head) yeah, right. . . and then. . . hmm, should I?

While I really don't know about writing a book, the idea appeals to me.  I really don't know if I have enough content to write an entire book, but I thought I would begin to write out some thoughts on different topics that relate to me and my life thus far.  Thoughts on growing up, my faith, parenting, and creativity, just for starters.

I can't say for sure how often I will add to these thoughts, but my goal is to share once a week, even if it is just a few quick sentences.  So next week we will begin. . .

Looking for Home

 

Is it possible to feel lost even though you know where you are?

Is it possible to forget where home is, even though you know where you live?

It might be losing your place, or it might be losing your connection to a place.

I was trying to work on a canvas, and I had an idea:  the house that memory built.  It was going to be a mixed media piece, so I began laying out different papers and words to help the process.

I completed covering the canvas with papers, and then. . .
And then. . .
And then. . .

I drew a blank.  I didn't know what to do next.  I had been drawing on ideas from my memory, patterns that reminded me of my grandma's house, the wallpaper in her living room, or dining room.  I had pieces of map from the state I grew up in, I had a solid start.  But I didn't know what house to add to the painting.  Do I add my Grandma's farm and the house I grew up in? 

As I tried to determine what to do, I realized I have no connection to those places anymore.  I haven't been home for a couple of years.  Grandma has been gone even longer.  Different happenings in the family created a break in my connection.  I had to step away from the canvas for a time. 

I still talk with my parents.  That connection is fully intact.  There is no issue there.  But the physical location has lost its pull.  I am living in a different state, but this doesn't feel like home either. 

My creativity seems to be at a standstill.  I seem to be able to start ideas, paintings, writings, but I don't get very far before I run out of process, thoughts, ideas.  All I see before me is a wall. 

I have set that piece aside for a time.  I think that I still have some processing to do, but I should process while I work on it.  I think I need to push through that wall to see what is on the other side.  There is the house that lives in my memory, and the house that my memory built, but there needs to be a home that lives where I am today, a house that holds my memories.  That is the house I need to work on.

The Middle of Somewhere

This is the Middle of Somewhere.

It isn’t Nowhere

it isn’t the Beginning 

and it isn’t the End.  

I take step after step, working my way across this vast expanse of thought, dream, fear and hope. There are some areas that are arid, cracked and crusty, seemingly lacking in every form of life, and yet there are other areas that are lush and green, flourishing with vibrant color and hope.  Much of this journey takes me through seasons of change.  Change in scenery, conditions, emotions, people. . .

I ponder choices.  I wonder about creating.  

How do I experience life?  How do I go about the business of living, exploring, learning?  

I would like to think that I have importance.  That I matter, that maybe I can make a difference, somehow?  But, because I don’t get out and live - outside my walls - do I lack anything worth saying?  I lack experiences, knowledge, activity. . .  If I don’t have any of those things, what do I have to draw from, to write about?  

Should I be writing, drawing, painting, making?  

Do I need to rethink this?  Do I need to find a purpose - a REAL purpose - for doing this “art” thing?  What is my prayer?  Do I have a prayer?  Should I have a prayer?  Why don’t I have a prayer?   

I project ideas onto people around me, thinking of things they can do to make a difference.  

But

What about me?  Why shouldn't I be the one looking to make a difference?  Why do I feel like I cannot make a difference?  What should I be doing?  
 

Stretching Exercise

I spent this past weekend stretching my insecurities, walking step by awkward step through my introverted-ness, surrounded by people I did not know in an age group that is a somewhat foreign to me.  Yes, it was scary.  Yes I felt out of place, ill-equipped to be where I was.  But I tried to go with a servant's heart.  To be willing to do what I could to help where I could.

Was I a help?  Did I make a difference? 

I don't know.

I can't dwell on that.  I know that I learned some things, that I gained some experience in this area. 

Would I go again if asked?

Probably. 

I know it wouldn't be quite as scary the next time.  It would still be scary though.  I would still feel like a fish out of water, but not quite as much.

It is part of learning and growing.  How can we grow if we don't stretch? 

How can we learn if we think we already know everything?

When was the last time you were stretched beyond your comfort zone?

Another Beginning

Today is the first day of school for the girls.  Our youngest was a little nervous, but walked through it step by step, and into the doors of high school.  Our oldest is a trooper, and so kind to offer a seat at lunch, if needed, to her sister and friends. 

It is strange to know that really, we are this close to the end of their schooling.  Weren't they just starting first grade?  Riding the bus, getting new backpacks that were smaller, lighter, just enough to carry some papers that had colors or letters or numbers to practice...
Now their packs have to be large enough to accommodate text books, and binders, and notebooks.  (And do we need to find a chiropractor to fix the curve in their spine from carrying all of these?) 

Time certainly keeps marching forward, though some days it feels like a sprint...

As we wind our way through this year, there will be new things to learn, and things to review.  There will be beginnings and endings, good and bad, trials and celebrations. 

We hold to love, faith, and each other as we work through difficulties, and as we rejoice in accomplishments.  We know the One who holds us all in His hand, and we are grateful to Him for His blessings, mercy, grace and love. 

Another Stone...

 As we approach Sunday, and the next step you take in your faith walk, I think of Joshua and how he listened to God.  How he trusted and obeyed with strength and courage from God.  As they crossed the Jordan on dry land, God told him to take twelve stones as a testimony...

And I think of you as you prepare your testimony.  The account of the things God has done and continues to do in, around and through you.  I think of how you have learned to trust in the midst of trials, in the valley of difficult friendships, and the daily struggles of just being human.  And I thank God that He is watching over you, carrying you and teaching you so many things. 



Remember the work here isn't finished.  We are all still "works in progress."   



We begin as empty shells, filled with wants and needs and sin - yes, sin.  That dirty rotten side of us that seeks out our own desires, that makes us think and say and do things that hurt others.  

 But God knows this.  Before we were born, He knew who we were going to be.  How we were going to be, and He loved us.

 You have chosen to follow Him.  You are seeking His heart and His will and His way. You have accepted His truth and His gift.

  And you choose to bloom and follow Him even when everything around you seems dead and different and hard.

 I pray you continue in His light, letting it shine through you and into the world that so desperately needs it.  Let His Holy Spirit continue to lead.  Be sure to stay tuned to His voice.

     When you feel stuck and alone, and maybe, like you are going the wrong direction in a sea filled with so many options...trust your Heavenly Father.  Trust that He loves you, has created you with a purpose, that He is always with you, and He is your helper.

 

Watch for Him in everything, be grateful for His blessings and remember His promises.  He is faithful, true, and mighty to save.

Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. 

Keep gathering these stones, and remember God's faithfulness.  Keep recalling them to those around you who will listen, to those who may need encouragement and reminders of what God can do and is doing. 

Love you - Mom

Perspective - End of School

Sipping my iced coffee, thinking about my melancholy state,  got me to thinking...

 

Half empty or half full?  How am I viewing this time of year, this change of seasons?





 The girls will both be in high school next year, and in some ways that makes me feel old.  Where has the time gone?  Have I done enough?  Will they be happy and healthy and productive?



They don't seem to need me, really...




They both seem to be running in different directions with their friends.

Granted, this is what I want for them as a parent.  I want to know they can be independent and social.  I want to know that they have friendships and responsibilities.  There is a measure of comfort knowing that they will be self-sufficient and able to get things done.


There is still teaching to be done and lessons to be learned, but they seem to be on a good path.  I pray they continue to grow in knowledge and wisdom and truth.  I pray they learn to love the Lord more deeply, and follow Him all of their days. 

So, I ask myself again, half empty or half full?

How do I see these days?   
 "This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

 

How do you see this day?   

What Pain can do

Some experiences bring pain.

Pain brings many things. It can bring more pain, infection, scars, even death.

But even if it brings scars, it can bring healing, new, life.

The difference in how it affects us is how we take the pain, what we do with it. Do we use it as a shield, and excuse, a hiding place to keep our self away from others?

Do we use it as a weapon to drive others away, to beat down the thing or person we feel caused the pain?

Do we use it as a door to take us into another place, on another leg of our journey, to learn new experiences? To open our self to hope and truth and life?

What and how we choose affects not only us, but those around us.

What kind of parent...

Watches
Checks on
Checks in
Checks out

Mends
Fixes
Breaks

Thinks
Remembers
Forgets
Forgives

Speaks to
Speaks out
Speaks of

Gives things
Gives thought

Gives regret
Gives anger

Gives hugs
Gives peace
Gives love

Am I...?

A Prayer

I found this a while back.  I wrote it several years ago for the girls, and as I read it, I realized that God is answering this even when I forget to ask.  He is faithful and true, even when I am not paying attention!

 Father, bless their sleep, my prayer

Guard their minds, their souls, their cares

Keep them still throughout this night

Wake them with the morning light

Bind their fears and grant Your peace

May Your mercy never cease

Stay with them all of their days

Bless them Lord, is all I pray

Lord of Hope, of Grace, of Love

Look on these girls from up above

Smile on them Lord, shine through them too

May they be bright lights, shining for You

May they know the love you gave

 By sending Your Son, our souls to save

Let them share Him faithfully

And allow others Your love to see

Father, bless their sleep this night

Keep their spirits shining bright

Thank You for this day we’ve spent

And for these girls who are heaven-sent.

--Holly Campbell

Identity

There are days when I am not sure who I am. . .

Mother



Wife



Daughter



Sister



Friend



Artist



Gardener



Dishwasher



The list could go on and on. . .



My creative side tells me I should be looking for art, for beauty. . .

or making something to exhibit my style, my desires, my ideas. . .



My mothering side tells me I should be helping the girls have fun, taking them to the library, making sure they are getting outside enough, and eating all healthy snacks, and not watching too much TV. . .



Then the garden needs weeding and mulching. . .



The dishes are piling up, and the sink is getting full. . .



I need to encourage my husband to pursue his latest aspiration, discussing his options, making sure he has my support for the correct things. . .



I need to call Mom, making sure she and Dad are okay, and calling just to chat about ideas, and what they have been up to. . .



I should be making more effort to reach out to my sisters and brother, trying to get in touch, and stay connected with their lives. . .



What are my friends up to today? Do they need encouragement? Do they need help with anything?



With all of these "to-dos" I feel done in. I am trying to keep my head up, and trying to accomplish the things I think I am supposed to. I know relationships are important, and they should be my priority, but sometimes I need time to be myself, and be by myself.

Back to Basics

I have learned that I need to keep learning

I see that I need to keep looking

I hear that I need to keep listening

I have been reading, searching the internet, looking at magazines, watching TV, trying to find ideas, inspiration, that 'something' to get me started on the next project (not that I have finished any of the last dozen or so. . .).

This evening it finally hit me. I need to stop looking at what others are doing for a moment, and think about who I am, where I come from, and what my art should be. Don't get me wrong, everything I have seen out here is amazing! All of these incredibly intelligent creative women who seem to be able to continually produce wonderful works of art, either in artwork, cooking and baking, or entertaining and hospitality are fun to follow in blogland.

I just need to follow myself for a bit.

I have been overwhelmed and I need to simplify. Perhaps to listen to that still, small voice that tells me who I am created to be and what I am to create. . .